As you may know if you read my last post, I recently went on a mini vacation to Nashville, Tennessee. Usually, I’d get right back in the swing of things with a Tuesday Review. But seeing how I didn’t do a Monday Lady Rule, it only feels right to do this 4 day Mini Series. What’s this mini series going to be about? I’m glad you asked. This mini series is about finding AND creating yourself. Many of you may have heard “Life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself.” That very phrase is what inspired this post. I mentioned in my previous post that I was learning a lot, not only about myself, but about life in general. I know I’m still a young lady and I have a long way to go, but this trip really opened my eyes.
I’ll start off with the trip in general. Friday morning I woke up and texted my best friend, as usual. I told her I was off until Monday, which is crazy unusual for me and my work schedule. She immediately texted back and told me to visit her. I’ve been putting off visiting for a while because I couldn’t afford a plane ticket, and I wasn’t about to take the train or bus. Since I had this random four day weekend ahead of me, I had to take the chance. I did what any young lady wanting adventure would do. I packed a bag, hopped in my car, and drove myself 8 hours to Nashville. (Keep in mind, the farthest I’ve ever driven alone is about 2 1/2 hours.) I listened to music, podcasts, silence, the air blowing through the window. (I left the window open to keep myself alert.) I was very focused on the road, but I also had time to clear my head as I was driving through nothing but darkness. Driving has always been a method of therapy for me. I can always just drive and drive and let out anything I need to. Going on a road trip alone though, is definitely something else. You have no one to talk to, unless you call someone or someone calls you (My phone syncs to bluetooth in my car so it was handsfree). You also have to plan your stops accordingly. I only had to stop once for gas and to use the restroom, but I’m a young lady traveling alone. Obviously I had to stop before it got too late, and I had to stop in a well lit area. So I stopped around 9 or 10pm. Got some gas, and actually overflowed my gas tank. I was laughing at myself so hard, I couldn’t be mad. But wouldn’t it figure, it’s such a “me” thing to do. Haha! Anyways, the drive there was pretty boring and lonely. I was proud of myself and excited for myself for actually doing something I never thought I would do but I was still just consuming myself with thoughts. I thought about everything, and I mean everything. Road tripping alone is definitely good for some reflection time.
So I reflected on my life, I reflected on guys I dated, how I’ve been hurt, how unhappy I was, how I felt so… trapped. A little history on me, I’m the best at dating terrible people. Except one guy, who I won’t get into now. I’m the best at dating the guys that make me feel so disposable. I’m the best at trying to fix someone and I end up broken. Why? I didn’t know until I drove. I finally realized, I don’t love myself the way I should. Confidence has always been a yo-yo for me, somedays I feel like Beyoncé, and other days I feel worthless. This can be because I was bullied throughout my life mainly for weight reasons. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not obese. But I’m also not thin. I’m not average, I’m a little above. Being bullied at a young age though, will always make me feel like I’m the biggest I’ve ever been, 200 pounds on my 5’6″ frame, it literally weighed me down. Another reason my confidence is in the gutter, is because I date assholes. Plain and simple. I dated guys who cheated on me, abused me mentally, physically, and emotionally, and I’ve dated guys who straight up used me. I don’t blame these assholes for ruining my confidence. I blame my confidence for me dating these assholes. It wasn’t until I was driving that I realized this. I was putting the control of my happiness into other people. I didn’t make myself happy, I didn’t love myself. And dammit I needed to start!
As I come to an end of part one of this 4 day mini series, I’ll close with this. The root of the majority of my problems in my life, is my confidence. My lack of motivation somedays, is because of my lack of confidence. I’m not getting any younger and I’m the only persons happiness I should be worried about. Maybe you’re struggling with the same issue, maybe your confidence is shot because of things that have happened to you. Join me on this mini series, and let’s accomplish finding and creating ourselves together. The rest of this week is dedicated to this mini series, I hope you’ll enjoy.
xxx The Modern Lady.